Get me to the church on time
by gypsy rosalie
Summary: Patrick and Sally are getting married! With Jeff's frightening new obsessions, Susan's new baby acting up, Oliver turning up drunk and Patrick and Sally getting cold feet, it's shaping up to be a very memorable day...
1. Cold feet: Five days to a wedding

**Disclaimer: I do not own Coupling or any of the characters.**

**A/N: This is set post-season 4, with all canon pairings, however Jeff is in it, as well as Oliver.**

Five days to a wedding

'You know the best thing about weddings?' Jeff inquired of his comrades as the three of them sat on their usual sofa. Steve winced.

'Is this going to be in really bad taste?' he cautioned. 'Is Patrick going to regret having invited you to his wedding?'

Jeff smiled wolfishly. 'The breasts.' His friend groaned. 'No but seriously, Steve,' he continued, 'think about it. Sitting in one of the pews in the church, you are about eye level with the girls' breasts. And with the bride, plus, oh say five bridesmaids, that makes six pairs of breasts going past!'

Patrick raised one eyebrow. 'Excellent!'

'How're you feeling, Patrick?' Steve asked. 'Not getting cold feet?'

'No, why should I?' he replied. 'Sally's a great woman, and an eight or nine out of ten in bed. Why should I be nervous?'

'Well, mate,' Steve mused, 'it's just that you'll have to be a one man woman for the rest of your life. No more videos for your cupboard, no more variety, and no more stockings! Once she's got you for life, it's goodbye stockings and hello thermal pants!'

Patrick swallowed, and fiddled with his shirt collar.

'Ah, my poor friend,' Jeff said in an ominous tone. 'I pity you, Patrick. For you will be standing out the front of that church, come Friday, and have to say your vows in front of everyone.'

'What's so wrong with that?'

'Oh, Patrick,' Jeff moaned. 'First there's the giggle loop to consider, and then the accidental words. Oh, Patrick, Steve, the accidental words! The priest could ask you 'Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, and before you know it, you've said 'gusset' instead of 'I do!''

Patrick began to get very worried indeed.

* * *

'Aren't you leaving it a little late to be trying on your wedding dress?' Susan asked her best friend. 'There's only five days to go, and you still haven't decided which one you want.'

'I think the first one,' said Jane, lounging on a chair in the corner of the shop, displaying her long legs.

'But the first one made my bottom look enormous!' Sally cried. 'I'll look like a huge ostrich going down the aisle!'

A loud, ringing wail interrupted Sally's paranoid rant, and next minute Susan was comforting a howling bundle in her arms.

'Oh, little Stephen, it's all right,' she cooed, rocking the baby back and forth to calm him. 'Jane, would you change him for me?' She passed the wriggling baby into Jane's arms.

'Aww, isn't that sweet, he's looking at me!' Jane squealed. 'Just look at his eyes! Don't you just wonder what they're thinking? I wonder if they can read minds…'

Susan rolled her eyes as her eccentric friend walked off.

'You know, Sally, I honestly think that this dress suits you…' she began, but Sally wasn't listening- she was staring into the full-length mirror, her eyes fixed on her neck.

'Oh, look, Susan,' she panicked. 'My neck…there's another line since I last checked! My neck lines are multiplying…by Friday it'll be all stripy...'

Susan decided it was about time to change the subject.

'But honestly, though, aside from your myriad of worries about wrinkles and how your bottom's going to look, you're not having cold feet, are you?'

'No, no,' Sally said. 'I mean, the fact that Patrick's a Tory doesn't faze me any more, and I'm not at all worried living in a flat with a cupboard full of his exes…just imagine all those videos, all those women…those women that've slept with Patrick, I shall have to count them, to make sure the collection isn't being added to… oh, what if it is? What if my bottom gets so enormous Patrick goes off me? What if he doesn't turn up, because he doesn't want to marry a woman with a stripy neck?!'

By now Sally had worked herself into a catastrophic panic, and was very worried indeed.

*

A/N: wow, that was really corny. Anyway, that was the first chapter. Let me know what you think!


	2. The guest thing: 4 days to a wedding

**Disclaimer: If I owned anything, I would be writing episodes instead of fan fiction.**

Four days to a wedding

A pre-wedding dinner party was scheduled for tonight, and the boys were in the bottle shop, picking out appropriate drinks for the occasion.

'You know, I never really saw myself as the marrying kinda guy,' Patrick was telling Steve as they examined the vintage on a red wine. 'But that was before I met Sally…'

'Patrick...' Jeff interjected. His friends turned to look at him 'You know how on the invitation to your wedding, it says _plus guest…'_

'Yes?'

'Well…' the Welshman continued, 'Does that mean, you know, a guest… like a _female guest_ is provided for me at the wedding? Cos if that's true, I need to get myself invited to a lot more weddings, pronto!'

Steve frowned. 'Jeff, I think the connotations behind the 'plus guest' thing mean you have to provide _your own_ girlfriend. Patrick is getting married, he doesn't have time to worry about fixing your sex life!'

'Ah, Steve, you don't know that. Perhaps Patrick is gonna lay on some of his exes...like…a woman buffet!'

'A woman buffet?' Patrick's head popped round the corner of the aisle. 'That sounds like something we should check out, and soon, while I'm still single!'

Steve gently knocked his head against the wall, frustrated.

* * *

'I really want to get the flower arrangements sorted tomorrow,' Sally told Susan and Jane as they placed handfuls of vegetables in the pan. 'I mean, there's hardly any time until the wedding, and there's so much to do!'

'Don't get all worked up, Sally,' Susan sighed, turning the hot plate on. 'I'm sure you'll get it done…oh, Jane, is Oliver coming tonight? I need to know how many places to set.'

Jane gave the pair a coy smile. 'No…but I am bringing someone, see I picked up this gorgeous guy at the office last night, and I thought I could he could pop along…wait til you see him…'

The others stared at her, shocked.

'But…what about Oliver?' Susan finally said, blinking. 'I mean, what's your boyfriend gonna think if it turns out you've been fooling around with other men?'

Jane rested her chin on her hand. 'Well, you see Susan, I've just been on a spiritual journey, and I have discovered that having a boyfriend means you make a lot of choices…you say yes to a lot of things, even dating other guys!'

'You are gonna loooooose him…' Sally muttered in a song-song voice. 'And then you'll be spinster Jane again, and spinster Susan with an illegitimate child, and I, the beautiful, lucky, married one, the one with the great guy…the one with the-'

'Sally,' Susan warned her, shaking her blond head, 'If you're going to insult us, can you please not do it out loud?'

* * *

'Hello, darling!' Steve called as he strolled into the kitchen, kissing Susan on the cheek. 'Dinner nearly ready?'

'Almost,' Susan replied. 'The girls are just setting the table now. Oh, and Steve?'

He turned. 'Yes?'

'Jane is bringing a date around, who isn't Oliver. Please don't let anyone, well, you know, _tactless, _say anything that might get back to Oliver? You know what a weirdo he is, there's no telling how he might react.'

Steve frowned. 'Tactless? Who?'

She shuffled her feet on the floor. 'Well, you know…Jeff…'

'What would Jeff possibly say?'

* * *

'You're not Jane's boyfriend!'

More than a little annoyed, Steve and Susan grabbed Jeff, who was standing, pointing, mouth wide open at Jane's date, and hauled him into the kitchen.

'Jeff,' Susan warned crossly, waggling a finger at him as she would a naughty child, ' Jane is going through, oh, how should we put this, a bit of a phase, where she's…experimenting. Please, don't say anything tactless, and don't mention this to Oliver, or I will personally slit your throat.'

Jeff swallowed. 'But he's-'

'Not another word!' Susan commanded, her face going into bossy mode, and the dejected Welshman slunk quietly off into the dining room.

For once, the first time since the gang had got together, their dinner party seemed to be going smoothly. No-one was fighting, Jeff was being unusually quiet, and Jane, instead of being her wacky self, was chatting quietly to her new man, who was definitely, Sally thought, a knitting-pattern kinda guy. _Couldn't hold a candle to Patrick, though,_ she said to herself, stealing a look at her fiancée, who was at this moment downing a glass of wine. But, as usual, the pleasantly comfortable mood did not last.

'Patrick,' Jeff began, ignoring the warning looks shot at him by Steve, 'on the subject of the _guest thing_, does it in fact mean that guests are provided for us? 'Cause I want to get this sorted before the wedding.'

Steve growled. 'Jeffrey, we have _established_ the fact that 'plus guest' does not mean you get a girlfriend given to you- you have to bring someone!'

'Yep,' Patrick said, his mouth full. 'Sorry, Jeff'.

'So what we're saying here is…' he began, at which Steve buried his head in his hands, 'I have to find a girl and bring her to the wedding?'

Before another word could be said, a knock sounded at the door. 'I'll get it!' Steve rushed out the room. From in the hallway, Oliver's voice could be heard. 'Hi Steve, listen, I just came back to pick up that DVD I lent you!'

Jane's brown eyes widened. 'Oliver! Oh no!'

'Well,' Susan said, shaking her head, 'that's what you get! It all comes back to haunt you! Better go hide 'til he's gone!'

Jane darted into a cupboard as Oliver strutted in, his curly hair sticking out all over the place. 'Oh, hi guys! Didn't realise you were having a dinner party…that I ….wasn't…invited to…uh…craziness!'

Jane's date stood up. 'Hi, I'm Thomas. Jane brought me- you know Jane?'

'_Jane?'_

Jane herself stepped out the cupboard, looking guiltily at the two men.

'What are you doin' bringing 'im to a party instead of me?'

Thomas looked at him. 'You've got a problem with that, mate?'

'I happen to be her boyfriend!' Oliver snapped.

Thomas stared at Jane. 'You've got a boyfriend?'

The science-fiction fan snarled. 'That's it!' He shoved Thomas, and thus began a bitter fight.

Jane smiled. 'Ooh, now boys, no need to fight over me!' she said, clearly loving the attention. Steve and Susan cringed.

'Go Oliver, go!' Jeff chanted, shaking his fists like it was a wrestling match. 'Whip his arse!'

In the background, Patrick sidled up to his future wife.

'C'mon, Sal,' he said, wrapping his arm around her waist. 'Let's go to my place, this could turn ugly!' The two sneaked off into the night as Oliver was thrown to the floor.

'That's it!' Oliver said, dusting himself off and trying to look tough. 'I don't need this, good-bye Jane!' he stormed off, slamming the front door.

'Oliver!'

Thomas picked up his coat. 'You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend! Bye Jane!'

'Thomas!' Jane sat down, miserable, as the front door slammed for the second time.

The others stood, silently, unsure whether to comfort her, or tell her she had it coming. Jeff raised an eyebrow. 'Seeing as you have no boyfriend, Jane, do you wanna be my guest for the wedding?'

Steve clenched his fists. He was not having a good day.


	3. Not desperate: 3 days to a wedding

Disclaimer: I do not own Coupling.

**A/N: Yes, this took a very, very, VERY long time for me to update, but I don't seem to get a moment of time to myself any more. So now I have one, I think I'll update. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed before. It means a lot to me, it really does.**

Three Days to a Wedding

Sally had been planning this for weeks. Her ultimate secure-Patrick-for-life-and-make-sure-he-doesn't-see-other-women plan. And 'seeing other women' also meant on tape.

Patrick was still asleep when she woke up. Good, that gave her an opportunity to continue with her plan. She slid out of bed and crept out into the living room in her dressing gown.

The sun's rays were slowly coming through the blinds, illuminating the furniture, and the twelve dozen or so boxes Sally had already started to move in for after the wedding. Soon, this would be _her _apartment too. Smiling to herself, she stepped gingerly towards the Cupboard of Patrick's Love, and opened the door.

The shelves, once abundant with labelled tapes, now stood all but bare, and Sally was glad Patrick had apparently not noticed. She hadn't dared get rid of them all at once, so every week for the past four months, she had been sneaking a garbage bag full of them out, and disposing of them (sometimes quite violently).

She ran her fingers along the shelves, murmuring to herself. 'Hmm, now who shall go today?...I think…Rose, Rebecca, Kate and …Sarah. I've never liked the name Sarah. Sounds like a woman with huge, child-bearing hips who smells like Christmas cake. Imagine Patrick going out with that instead of me!'

Susan and Jane's tapes had been the first to go, along with all the others whom Sally had actually met. Being able to put a face to a video frightened her- it made Patrick's conquests all seem more…_human, _and thus more of a real threat. Now, she had just fallen to picking an armful of random names.

From the other room, Patrick yawned, and muttered something about waitresses. Sally froze, clutching the black bag, but her fiancée didn't wake up, and so she crept out with her hoard, hoping to throw them out and be back before he noticed she was missing.

* * *

'You know, the oddest thing happened to me today,' Jane told her friends as they met in their favourite coffee shop.

'The odd thing would be if _nothing_ odd happened to her!' Susan whispered to Sally, who rolled her eyes in agreement.

'I had got up early, hoping to bump into some gorgeous night-shift worker on his way home that I could ask to the wedding…'

Susan narrowed her eyes. 'The point?'

Jane sat down. 'Well, I was going past a small alleyway, and I saw a woman who looked just like you!'

Sally blanched. 'Me?'

'Yeah, she had this big black bag, and she was jumping up and down on it!'

Sally plastered a smile on her face. 'What? Why would I be jumping on a bag, I mean, that's really silly, I was at Patrick's this morning anyway, really, Jane, I think you should see someone, hahaha!'

Immediately she kicked herself for falling into the prickles, blurts and headlaugh routine, but her friend was already carried away with a different topic.

'I need to find a date for this wedding! I can't go on my own, what would that look like?'

'Jeff asked you,' Susan said, 'why don't you go with him?'

Jane looked at her like she had grown two heads. 'With Jeff? With _Jeff?'_

'Well, why not?'

'Because I'm not _desperate!'_

They sipped their coffee in silence for a while.

'Well, you've got three days, Jane. Three days to meet Mr Right!'

Jane was eyeing her phone with a wily smile. 'Don't worry, girls, I got a plan!' She dialled. 'Hello, can I get a taxi to Tottenham Court Road? Preferably with an attractive driver? Blonde, if you've got one…'

Susan and Sally looked at each other. 'Not desperate, eh?'

* * *

'I can't believe it, I mean, I thought me and Jane really had something good goin' there!' Oliver said. The boys nodded. 'And the 'ole time she's seein' other guys. Well, Oliver Morris, you certainly can pick a girl. What's so wrong with me, anyway?'

He made to sit down, tripping over the arm of the chair and landing in an awkward position.

'Great girl, that Jane,' Jeff said. 'Great arse.'

'Jeff,' Steve groaned, 'there are other things that make a woman a good catch, other than their arses.'

Jeff looked affronted. 'Like _what?'_

'Well….there's…oh, Patrick, help me out here!'

'Their breasts,' Patrick added.

'Oh, I almost forgot their breasts!' Jeff said, grinning at his best friend, who merely shook his head.

Oliver dusted himself off and stood up, noticing that the others were no longer paying him any attention. 'Sorry Patrick, mate, I don't think I'm gonna be able to come to the wedding now.'

'Why not?'

'Well, I got no-one to go with- I'm no way goin' with Jane after what she did. Who does she think she is, anyway? I'm a woman-killer, I mean a lady-murderer, I mean a….oh, never mind, I could get any bloody girl I want! Patrick! I'm comin' after all!'

He swaggered with great determination towards a girl sitting at the bar. 'Hey, baby, how does a weddin' sound to you?' he leaned towards her and waggled his eyebrows.

Steve, Jeff and Patrick looked away and cringed at the sound of the slap.

'Have you told him about you and Jane yet?' Steve asked Jeff, his voice lowered, glancing over his shoulder at the man who was now asking another unfortunate girl.

'Nah. I didn't think it right to. Anyway, she hasn't fully said yes, it's more a sort of partial arrangement.'

'_Partial_ arrangement? Not _fully_ said yes?'

'Yeah, well, the truth is…I need a date, Steve.'

* * *

'Sooo….' Jane crossed her legs, taking advantage of the very short skirt she was wearing. 'Would a gorgeous guy like you be free on Saturday?'

The man gave her a look. 'Madam, we're very busy today, would you please place your order or go to the back of the queue?'

* * *

'Cor, this bus stop, eh?' Oliver said, simpering at the girl he was sitting next to . 'These buses, eh? Bloody buses,' he laughed nervously, 'Bloody things…' It was only then he realised the girl had caught the bus and was riding away from him.

* * *

'Wow! You can walk!'

The girl's eyes widened at the Welshman who had cornered her.

'Uh, yes?'

'You know, people today ride in far too many…cars. Falling into the car rut.'

'The…_car rut?'_

'Yeah, you know, one day you're an innocent pedestrian, and the next thing, you've bought a car and are riding to your doom… many people have become prisoners of the car rut.'

The girl took a step backward, then another, then another, her pace quickening.

'Hey, wait, you fancy going to a wedding with me?'

She turned and ran as fast as she could.

'Car rut?' Jeffrey put his head in his hands. 'Oh, _Jeffrey.'_

* * *

'Yes, okay, I'll pick up Baby Steven!' Jane said, 'Honestly, Susan, you'd think I had nothing better to do than get your baby from childcare!'

'Oh, I forgot you'd gone on a mad man-hunt! How's it going? Got a date yet?'

Jane sighed. 'No. All the men I asked, they said they were busy!'

She paused, memories of her rejections flashing through her head.

_Excuse me, this is the men's room…_

_I have a girlfriend…_

_Are you going to sign for this parcel or not?_

_Madam, you're wasting police time. You're only supposed to ring the emergency services if it is ACTUALLY an emergency…_

'Oh, Jane,' Susan said, and Jane turned her attention back to the phone.

'When you pick up Little Steven, you need to sign him out with Mr Parker…'

'Who?'

'The administrator. He owns the childcare.'

A saucy tone crept into Jane's voice. 'Oh, _administrator, _you say?'

'He's married.'

Jane hung up angrily.

* * *

At five in the evening, Jeff's doorbell rang. Slumped over in his disappointment, he trudged over to answer it.

'Oh, hiya Jeff! Love what you've done with the place!' Jane strode into his flat uninvited, and parked herself on the sofa as if she owned the place.

'Jane?'

'Yeah, I was just on my way home, thought I'd pop round, have a drink with Jeffrey, I thought…'

'You coming to the wedding with me?'

Jane looked defeated. 'Yeah.'

Jeff looked at her for a moment, and then leapt up and down! 'Yessssss!'

He pranced around the room, grabbing his phone and dialing manically.

'Steve! I've got a woman!'

* * *

**I know, not the best update, but I've planned the next chapter already (it will feature Patrick and Sally's stag and hen parties), so stay tuned! I'll try and update faster this time. Cheers :)**


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